happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
