I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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