I need help removing her.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
