Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
