you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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