Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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