Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
