I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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