I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
