new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
