I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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