Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
