My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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