At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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