Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
