Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
