I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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