Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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