she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
