I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize