But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
