I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
