dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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