my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
