My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
