Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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