Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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