Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
