I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
