Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
