Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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