I'm so fucking centered right now
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
