It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
