I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
