Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
