i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
