Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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