he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just forgot I was standing up.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
