I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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