For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
