you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
