I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
