Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
