New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
