If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
