I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
