well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
