the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
