So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
