Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
