Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
