So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
