Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize