It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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