You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
