I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He shit in the fireplace
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
