There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
