Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize