im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
