Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
