Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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