She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Sorry my hands just texted you
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Success! We fucked roommates!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
